Foreigners Blamed for Failure

‘Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved’

The haunting melody of The Beatles’ famous dirge echoed around the vast empty auction hall. Somehow, it seemed appropriate. Nobody came.

The great auction of the Indonesian archipelago in its entirety opened on Wednesday with the attendance of the high and mighty of the land. The only problem was – not a single bidder. Thus the auction was abandoned as soon as it had begun.

According to the secretary-general for the recovery and usage of precious goods in sunken countries, the blame for the failure of the auction lies squarely with foreigners. “All we obliged foreign bidders to do was pay a deposit of US$240 million, a mere one dollar for everyone in Indonesia, clearly a bargain. Yet they declined to do so, obviously as a result of a conspiracy to harm Indonesia.”

Another high official, who for obvious reasons declined to be named, concurred. “We did all we could to make the payment of the deposit easy for them, for instance, permitting them to pay in newly-minted, unused dollar bills, unfolded and only from a certain number series. What could have been simpler?” Indeed.

Air Accidents not Indonesia’s Fault

In front of a huge crowd of jubilant, flag-waving Indonesians, at Soekarno-Hatta airport this afternoon a passenger plane was safely landed by Indonesian pilots without breaking it in two. This seminal event in our nation’s history gives the lie to rumours circulating in the foreign media claiming that the many air accidents here are Indonesia’s fault.

Indonesia Not at Fault

A number of stories have recently been circulating in the foreign media concerning the inability of certain foreign pilots to keep their aircraft engines running safely. A spokesman for the Ministry commented as follows: “It has been alleged that since this flight originated from Surabaya, some blame could be attached to Indonesia for the in-flight difficulties subsequently experienced. This is untrue.”

There I was, riding my trusty Binter Merzy 200 up Jl. Sudirman to an English class, stuck behind a big smoking MetroMini bus.  I read the slogan on the rear window and had a sudden realization.