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BROILED, BAKED, FRIED OR ROASTED Cooking Cultures Part 3: Fry Me a River

May 8, 2019 2:47 am Published by

Now just look at these alert, strong, arrogantly fit showoffs: the question that arises in the keen minds of the maddeningly healthy bunch you see out running in the freezing rain and doing pushups and chin-ups on icicle-laden bars, as they smile their stupid healthy perfect-teeth grin at you is…

Why fry?

“Because” they say kindly – actually kinda condescendingly – “frying is bad for you. It clogs up your heart. It fills your brain with greasy sludge. But we are health nuts. We never eat fried foods. We intend to live forever and forever, staying slim and supple.”

That’s the sound of health food hitting your ribs, honey. Human beings can eat anything and survive it. Enjoy life honey while you can because tomorrow you’ll be as DEAD DEAD DEAD as the rest of us

Now you know you love fried foods, health critters. Just like the rest of us. Human beings love that which is BAD for them. Because it feels GOOD, tastes GOOD, even when they know it’s BAD. Even when it’s RIDICULOUSLY BAD, like…

FRIED BUTTER

Hmm, if you didn’t see the nasty full-color picture for yourself you’d think we were joking…

Or how’s about some tasty crunchy

FRIED PIGS’ EARS WITH CHIPOTLE GLAZE

Okay we’ll stop right here, now that your nausea quotient has risen.

But you have to understand the American spirit of FRY EVERYTHING so you’ll end up looking, well, MODERN AMERICAN.

Now our eternally helpful Wikipedia says ‘Frying food in olive oil is attested in Classical Greece from about the 5th century BCE. The late Roman cookbook of Apicius (c. 400), appears to list the ancient Romans’ first use of deep frying to prepare Pullum Frontonianum, a chicken dish.’

“Waitress! Miss! Could you ask the cook what is taking so long to get the Pullum Frontonianum? My family is just about starving to death!”

DELICIOUS DEATH, COMING RIGHT UP!

Actually deep frying started long before Deep State. Back in the 19th Century, when people were little concerned about the relationship of FOOD to HEALTH. You ate because you could afford to eat. Or you starved to death because you were too poor to eat. Pretty simple, eh? But in fact it was often the poor people eating humble natural foods like grass and grasshoppers and tree bark who outlived the rich bastards gobbling their meats and sweetmeats.

INTERESTING FRIED FACTS

Why fry?
Tubers not YouTubers

No intelligent discussion of frying would be complete without a pæan to the prince of the underground. I refer of course to Murphys, spuds, tubers – all the many many kinds of delicious ‘tater, and all the fine ways you can prepare them.

Fried potatoes are a global phenomenon, and good ones are not easy to make. Go into a fast food (junk food) emporium. Hold your nose at the stink of stale grease. Order French Fries. By the time you get the little, tough, tasteless shoestrings they will have been harvested, cut up, fried, flash frozen, defrosted and fried up again.

Guess what kind of appealing flavor that leaves. NO FLAVOR.

So what to do? Well the humble potato is nature’s excuse to slather it with all sorts of sweet / salty / spicy / gooey / unspeakable condiments. In short: the dip, for dippy eaters. Indonesians love sambal; Belgians slop mayonnaise on their fries (no really!). And in the good ole USA it’s ketchup, aka ‘America’s favorite drink’.

You don’t really taste the potato: you feel it carrying the candy-condiments across your tongue.

Yes, but… fried pickles?

Why not? Everyone just loves fried foods.

We love them too… but what’s that horrible screeching sound?

We are your arteries and we are screaming for help!

So shut up and do your bloody job. Digest the food. We eat it – you digest it. Capice?

Now if you wish proper frying you will pay a visit to YaUdah Bistro, where we offer elegant Euro / Asian fare prepared properly.

Our fried onion rings are divine.

Our French fries are perfect: crunchy on the exterior / creamy within. Fried chicken? Best in the city. Belgian fries, dammit! Belgium, Einstein, Belgium: the low country next door to France. They are the kings of kentang goreng.

All washed down with our special variety of grog. Hey, where else in the city can you have a 400mm glass of table wine for Rp. 70,000?? Nowhere, that’s where.

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