No profession is more stressful than that of medicine. First there is medical school – up to 11 years of hard study and unpaid practice, with incredible abuse from the teaching staff and the ever-present danger of failing and getting kicked out.
Then there is the cost and difficulty of finding a proper position – many young or foreign doctors find themselves stuck out in picturesque South Coon Ass, Alabama, where the local people have yet to learn that the earth is spherical (and probably wouldn’t believe it if you told them).
There is the omnipresent daily peril of drunk, doped-up, violent or just-plain-crazy patients. And their horrid families, hanging on and staring at your every move (with a lawyer in mind to sue you at the slightest opportunity).
Needle sticks (danger of hepatitis or HIV infection), fist-fights (elderly, demented patients who imagine you are trying to kill them), long, long hours (mama calls you at 02.00 a.m. because her baby is fussy) – it never ends.
So naturally doctors have to blow off steam, and they do it frequently with humor. Also with humour if that’s the way you like it.
What’s on your medical chart? You can’t read it, nope. And even if you got a peek you wouldn’t be able to figure out more than 10% of what they’ve scribbled about you.
Some of it is not so complimentary, especially if you are unpleasant, ungrateful or a patient with poor hygiene.
Here are a few, with appropriate commentary:
ADR: Ain’t doin’ right
AFUBR: All fucked-up and beyond repair (hopeless case)
AGA: Acute gravity attack (patient – likely drunk – fell over and hurt herself)
AGMI: Ain’t gonna make it (patient is unlikely to survive)
ALP240: Acute lead poisoning, 240 grain injection (44 caliber Magnum gunshot wound)
ALPAC: Acute lead poisoning air-conditioned (multiple gunshot wounds)
ALS: Absolute loss of sanity (patient is a nutcase)
AMYOYO: All right motherfucker – you’re on your own (major head injury patient in intensive care)
AOB: Alcohol on board
AQP: Assuming the “Q” position (deteriorating or dying patient with tongue hanging out)
ATFO: Asked to fuck off
ATS: Acute thespian syndrome (USA: MGM Syndrome) (patient is faking illness)
AWTF: Away with the fairies (patient is totally confused)
B&T: Bagged & Tagged (cadaver is ready to dispatch to morgue)
BFH: Brat from hell (small screaming child, usually accompanied by PFH – parents from hell)
BMW: Bitch, moan and whine (complainer)
BOHICA: Bend over, here it comes again
BTH: Bury the hatchet (surgical instrument accidently left inside a patient)
BTSOOM: Beats the shit out of me (impossible to diagnose patient’s condition)
BUNDY: But unfortunately not dead yet
BVA: Breathing valuable air (useless human being)
BWCO: Baby won’t come out (expectant mother needs Caesarian section)
C&T WARD: Cabbages & turnips (coma ward – nobody is responsive)
C/C: Cancel Christmas (patient is dead)
C2 : “can’t cunt” (lazy doctor who tries to fob off work onto others)
CATS: Cut all to shit
CBT: Chronic burger toxicity (patient is super-obese)
CFD: Call for dirt (patient is ready to be buried)
CFU: Completely fucked up
CIA: Chrome-induced Ischemia (patient pretends to be suffering from severe chest pains when arrested and handcuffed)
CLL: Chronic low-life
CRAFT: Can’t remember a fucking thing
CRI: Cranial-rectal insertion (patient with head up his ass syndrome)
CRS: Can’t remember shit
CTD: Circling the drain (patient is close to death)
CTF: Cletus the fetus (23-week or earlier birth that parents expect to survive – unlikely)
CTS: Cold-tea syndrome (several cups of tea on the bedside table when no one noticed a geriatric patient had died)
CYA: Cover your ass (unnecessary procedure or prescription to avoid being sued)
D&D: Divorced and desperate (middle-aged female who visits doctor frequently just for male attention)
DBI: Dirt-bag index (number of tattoos X number of missing teeth = days since the patient last took a bath)
DIFFC: Dropped in for a friendly chat (no medical problem – just lonely)
DIIK: Damned if I know
DILF: Doctor I’d like to fuck (nursing slang for a good-looking doctor)
DILLIGAF: Do I look like I give a fuck?
DMFNFL: Dumb mother-fucker, not fit to live
DOD: Donut of death (CT Scanner)
DOTS: Dead on the spot (accident / murder victim)
DPS: Droopy penis syndrome (patient wants a Viagra prescription)
DQ: Drama queen (patient shows extreme emotion)
DRT: Dead right there (patient deceased at scene of accident)
DSB: Drug-seeking behavior (patient fakes condition to get painkillers)
DTMA: Don’t transfer to me again
DTS: Danger to shipping (massively obese patient)
DUB: Damned ugly baby
DWPA: Dying with paramedic assistance
ECU: Eternal care unit (Heaven: ‘gone to the ECU’ = ‘patient is dead’)
There are more… many more… if you can stand the laughs (and the shock). In the meantime it’s din-dins for the hungry hordes, and YaUdah Bistro is ready to rock’n’roll to fulfill your dietary demands, with great Euro-Asian cuisine, hygienic, authentic and tasty, and at a competitive fare.
Food is said to be the best medicine, and good food and good health go hand in hand. Drop around for dinner, awaiting the reader at the majestic and hospitable Ya Udah Bistro, now in Serpong (with a special non-smoking air-conditioned section) as well as the classic location in Menteng, near Gondangdia Station. Ya Udah Bistro is an historic site in Central Jakarta, featured approvingly in famed tour guides like Lonely Planet. Come around, eat, drink and make merry. And stay healthy.
Smoke and laugh and yell to your heart’s content, in an elegant, polite environment, a breezy outdoor atmosphere where you can discuss in detail your ancient medical catastrophes.
Hey, thanks for reading our Ya Udah Bistro blog. Please check out some of the earlier newsletters on the Ya Udah Bistro website. We do appreciate your comments on these fanciful expositions as well. All Comments welcome!