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SPAM AND MORE SPAM: THE HYDRA-HEADED MONSTER OF THE INTERWEBS

December 24, 2019 12:31 pm Published by

Just imagine visiting glorious Alaska…  

…in its glorious abbreviated summer – say, around July. All the glorious day long what are you doing? While you are attempting to scan the glorious scenery (and it is certainly grand) you are fighting off swarms of Yellow Jackets, Ornate Snipe Flies, Predatory Stink Bugs, Horntail Wasps, Four-spotted Velvet Ants, House Centipedes, Leucospid Wasps, Long-Legged Sac Spiders, Dragonhunters, Bark Crab Spiders, Bald-faced Hornets, Bed Bugs, Cuckoo Wasps, Booklices, Putnam Jumping Spiders, Spinybacked Orbweavers, Millipedes, Velvet Ants, Triangulate Cobweb Spiders, Formica Ants, Common Greenbottle Flies, Brown Dog Ticks, Green Stink Bugs, Honey Bees, Pseudoscorpions, American Dog Ticks, Ambush bugs, Carolina Wolf Spiders, Sowbug Killer Spiders, Horse Flies (ouch!), Great Black Wasps, Black Widows, Black Soldier Flies, Assassin Bugs, American Bumblebees, Flesh Flies, Ticks and billions upon trillions upon quadrillions upon quintillions of Mosquitoes, emerging into the sunshine as the frosts fade away…

Galactic swarms of desperately hungry murderous mosquitoes, including the ones the native Inuit call ‘No-See-Ums’ because they are tiny biters you are unaware of until your skin puffs up and starts to itch.

Your exciting vacation turns into a more exciting nightmare. (The mosquito squadrons are reportedly becoming worse with climate change – even if you believe global warming is all nonsense.)

That’s exactly what internet spam is like – and it’s a continuous battle against it. Swarms of attackers, all after your blood [money].

SPAM IS AS OLD AS THE INTERNET

(From Wikipedia’s history of internet spam):

The ‘first spam email’ dates from 1978

‘The first known email spam (although not yet called that), was sent on May 1, 1978 to several hundred users on ARPANET. It was an advertisement for a presentation by Digital Equipment Corporation for their DECSYSTEM-20 products sent by Gary Thuerk, a marketer of theirs.

‘The reaction to it was almost universally negative, and for a long time there were no further instances.’

So you see, dear reader, even back then pioneer internet users hated being spammed.

Wikipedia continues:

‘Commercialization of the internet and integration of electronic mail as an accessible means of communication has another face – the influx of unwanted information and mails. As the internet started to gain popularity in the early 1990s, it was quickly recognized as an excellent advertising tool. At practically no cost, a person can use the internet to send an email message to thousands of people. These unsolicited junk electronic mails came to be called “Spam”. The history of spam is intertwined with the history of electronic mail.

‘While the linguistic significance of the usage of the word “spam” is attributed to the British comedy troupe Monty Python in a now legendary sketch from their Flying Circus TV series, in which a group of Vikings sing a chorus of “SPAM, SPAM, SPAM…” at increasing volumes, the historic significance lies in it being adopted to refer to unsolicited commercial electronic mail sent to a large number of addresses, in what was seen as drowning out normal communication on the internet.

SPAM IS THE ENEMY YOU CANNOT EVADE

Here is a typical couple of weeks of absolutely unwanted infestation of this writer’s Google Chrome Inbox, fortunately filtered and drained as ‘waste’ into a Spam Folder:

Now really, why should I even look in my ‘Spam Folder’? Well, as a matter of fact some genuine messages do get mistakenly appraised as Spam and shunted into this junk mail receptacle, so once in a while it pays to check it out. Before deleting it all forever.

Spammers are happy to blanket millions of email addresses, knowing that only a handful of potential victims, excuse me, suckers, excuse me again, ‘customers’ will reply.

But imagine this scenario – one that has taken place thousands of times…

This creaky old fellow opens his e-mail and is surprised to find this appeal to a ‘senior citizen’ (‘silversingles’), promising the light of love to shine into his stale, dry life. Why, how did they ever find out about me? He wonders (stupidly).

Now imagine the old dud, a solitary widower, retired rich and hated from his muffler bearing manufacturing business, just hanging around the house, counting his money and watching TV as he awaits death. Then, suddenly, he opens his e-mail… and “Why it looks like there’s a woman who truly cares for me! I wonder how she found out about me.”

He bites the hook.

Sarah? Sarah? Do I know a Sarah? She sounds like such a nice woman, probably well-educated and elegant too.

THE VERY NEXT DAY:

Excuse me? Sarah? (or Sara). This is all so sudden Sarah / Sara… Don’t you think we should meet in person first – shake hands, exchange name cards? Have a coffee at Starbucks perhaps? Discuss our mutual ailments? What’s the hurry?

(Why is she so hot? Maybe she’s an elderly PR manager having hot flashes…)

Oh dear – a run-on sentence. There’s nothing to cool down passion to absolute zero like a lack of proper punctuation. I’m really sorry, Sara / Sarah, but I fear we were not made for each other…

(I am still puzzled as to why she is in such a hurry…)

(Should I remind her that ‘Tomorrow never comes?’) (Me either, at this age)

Now when you think about it, it doesn’t make sense. Who in the hell is going to entrust their investment or car purchase or eye surgery (for instance) to some unknown huckster on the internet? Not to mention that Lasik surgery is highly controversial.

Who do they think they are going to fool? Answer = lonely people. And alas the world is chock-a-block full of loneliness.

The most despicable exploitation of lonely people is the notorious ‘Nigerian Princess Scam’ or ‘Advance Fee Scam’, in which ordinary citizens, reputedly astute and cautious with their money, have lost millions of dollars to (mostly) African scammers who come on with an effective simultaneous appeal to a lonely internet user’s compassion and greed…

In fact a huge counter-scamming effort has sprung up, with some very astute people scam-baiting the scammers and causing them grief. They must waste time and energy and even money replying to ever-more-complex requests and queries. Many fun websites, many fun videos on YouTube with ways to confound these despicable monsters, who cheat lonely old people out of their savings.

OTHER WAYS TO HAVE FUN AND CONFOUND THE SCAM-MONSTERS:

  • ‘Playing Stupid’: ‘Will you please explain again, in simpler language. I did not understand where I should send the money the first time… …but I think I already sent you the cash…’
  • ‘Promising and Lying’: ‘I have sent the money as instructed by you and have the receipt for my payment. I can show you the receipt if you need it.’ And so on and so on.
  • ‘Leading them Down the Path’: ‘My church wants to help good Christians like yourself but first you must complete the 80 pages of forms in your own handwriting and take the pictures as required, says our Deacon’.
  • ‘Demanding they do really, really stupid shit’: ‘You will be required to print up this message and photograph yourself holding it.’

Now reader – straighten up and fly right – do not imagine this is a cruel prank or racist or ridiculing impoverished third-world people. These are all criminals who aim to cheat victims out of their savings, and have done so over the years. They are lying, cheating, conniving sons-of-bitches who deserve every form of punishment.

But do they… really… deserve Shiver Metimbers? Wow, he’s the master scam-baiter of the justly famed www.419eater.com . Their sites are hilarious, as they lead on and drag down and snarl up scammers from all over. And their site is immensely humorous.

Check out the way that Shiver lured a scammer into carving a wooden head and then sending it to him in the U.K. Oh, but a squirrel ate a hole in it so the business cannot go through!!

Shiver Metimbers outwits a scammer…

So the next time you get an Urgent Requsst from doghter of late Minster of Finance of Elbonia with promise to you of 45% of USD $ 455,000 dollars (Unite Stated dollars), this is probably the guy who is trying to work you:

Or maybe him:

No? Not him? You sure? OK, this is the last guess you get:

 Now onto something completely different and honest and up-front and no-nonsense:

YaUdah Bistro, in Menteng and now in Serpong, serving robust, fresh, hygienic and authentic Euro-Asian cuisine for two decades plus – at a right price. Eat, drink make merry in our open-air dining environment (Serpong also has a no-smoking, air-conditioned section); we have consistent superior quality meats, pasta, fish and salads to fulfill your roaring hunger. And that is no scam, son.

 Ya Udah Bistro, an historic site in Central Jakarta, featured approvingly in famed tour guides like Lonely Planet. Come around, bring your friends and invite your enemies too if you’re smart about it.

Smoke, drink, eat, laugh and yell to your heart’s content, in an elegant, polite Menteng milieu, a breezy outdoor atmosphere where you can discuss all those big deals awaiting you in 2020.

Hey, thanks for reading our Ya Udah Bistro blog. Please check out some of the earlier newsletters on the Ya Udah Bistro website. We do appreciate your comments on these fanciful expositions as well. All Comments welcome!

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