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The Bistro Re-Opens to a ‘New Normal’

June 2, 2020 8:15 pm Published by

We proffer a sincere welcome to yet another buzzword, ripe with technological sparkle and cutting-edge excitement. Brace yourselves for impact. This is it:

What’s up? What the devil is wrong with the ‘Old Normal’?
Or for that matter with the ‘Normal Normal?’

FIRST, THE GOOD GNUS: YA UDAH BISTRO
WILL SOON BE ALLOWED
TO OPEN TO THE PUBLIC

Yes indeedy, honored patrons, lovers of fine grub and guzzlers of great grog: both the Menteng outlet and our Serpong facility will be re-opening for the walk-in trade, well sort of, kind of, not exactly the way it used to be but WE ARE BACK IN BUSINESS, FACE TO FACE WITH OUR DEVOTED CUSTOMERS.

However (and there is alas almost always a ‘HOWEVER’), the lads & lassies coming in to wine & dine will be required to sit far apart, like somebody has horrible body odor or looks dangerous. Something like only two customers per table, or was it one, son? We’ll let you know when you arrive, and arrive you must before we bust, serving our happy heavy Euro-Asian fare, sweet, frothy drinks and potent firewater to the elite of Jakarta and the trendy tribe of Serpong. That’s you, Buster, both you local Indonesian folk and our steady stream of expatriate patrons.

THE NEW PROTOCOL, SERIOUSLY:

  • All the pretty waitresses will be wearing face masks. The homely ones too.
  • All staff will be wearing disposable gloves.
  • All surfaces (tables, chairs, walls) will be constantly sterilized with special antiseptic liquid. We will try not to sterilize the patrons in the process.
  • Disposable paper menus will take the place of our classic full-color printed ones.
  • Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene. Everybody asked to abide by the protocol.

TENTATIVE RE-OPENING SCHEDULE:

YA UDAH BISTRO MENTENG JAKARTA:
We are reliably informed that the Menteng facility will potentially be allowed to re-open on Friday, 5 June 2020. Cross your fingers. Say a prayer.

YA UDAH BISTRO SERPONG:
Our Serpong facility will be closed to walk-in customers at least until Monday, 15 June 2020. Stay tuned to this website for updates on our potential opening after that date.

MORE GOOD NIEUWS: You will not be required to wear a face mask while eating and drinking.

Can you believe you are actually reading this? Face masks? ‘Social distancing’? It’s like ISIS rolled in and took over the world, requiring everybody to get swaddled in bedsheets and wear beards (optional for the burqa babes). Only now it’s allegedly ‘sterile’ masks. And don’t get cuddly.

Now what in Zeus’ name is ‘New Normal’ supposed to signify? Something beneficial for producers and consumers, or another way for clever businesspeople to screw us over yet one more time? Remember ‘The Next Big Thing’? No? You didn’t miss much.

 What’s wrong with the Old Normal, Norm? Oh yeah – I forgot. Get ready for it: it’s not a pretty picture. (Yes it is)

This fugly ucker, that’s what

I WISH TO LODGE A COMPLAINT: Why make something so horrible so beautiful?

What’s with these exceedingly-creative
Computer graphics nerds, Gerd?
Have they nothing more aesthetic to depict
than a slimy killer, Miller?

Somebody’s hot on the computer. Hope whoever created
this cute monster is not currently wheezing & gasping
& trying to breathe through layers
of scum & slime coating lungs

Oh, look what Grandma made up for us
from her old-timey recipe!
Covid-19 balls, YUMMY.

Ah. Sinister. Grotesque. Now this is more like it.
Make the tiny vicious virus
look ugly, perilous, dangerous.
“You may think it’s mucous but it snot.”

This, friends & enemas, is the real McCoy: COVID-19 in poison. This is what the hideous little devils look like under an electron microscope. Not so pretty and delicious
any more are they, Sparky? Your nightmare virus, Cyrus.

 

So you expect you will live forever, is that it? Sorry to disappoint you but there you go: BOOM, now you see it, now you don’t. Therefore, the logical conclusion is to enjoy yourself, as Guy Lombardo reminded you in a recent Ya Udah Bistro blog, and there’s no better way to do so than in person or takeaway, with our fab food and ultra-fabulous drink.

Ya Udah Bistro ready to serve you, at a right price, extremely hygienic and freshly-prepared. Hopefully wide open and ready to receive you.

Keep tuned in to our website for further delights: as we implement the new rules and develop the new protocol. ‘New Normal’? It sucks but there you go: exciting times we live in indeed.

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